


Regrets

by indecisivemess



Category: Original Work
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/M, How Do I Tag, Implied Sexual Content, Incest, Masturbation, Non-Consensual Touching, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 16:04:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14937491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indecisivemess/pseuds/indecisivemess
Summary: This is a story of how Jessie got her trauma. Not that she wanted it in the first place, but she didn't fight back either, so it's all her fault. Right?





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Read with caution. The trigger warnings are on the tags.

She was just a child. Quite literally, a small, naive child. Just from that fact alone, she should be forgiven. Or, at least, forgive herself. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. Let’s call her Jessie, because telling her story without a name to call the protagonist sounds plain impossible.

  
Jessie was your typical nerd. She read books instead of hanging out with the other kids, and she was smart and caring, your perfect teacher’s pet. Maybe that’s why she got bullied so much; her mother knew about it, but she always just dismissed it saying that they were jealous of Jessie, so little Jessie believed her mother, like the naïve child she was.

  
That could be one of the reasons why she clinged so hard to her family members; they were the only people that liked her, even if they didn’t have a choice, but she wasn’t smart enough to realize that. Maybe that’s why all of it happened…

  
Jessie remembers that day all too well. It happened during her winter break. Like every year, she and her sister Beatrice were dismissed to her aunt’s house. On one hand, they had more freedom there than what they got in their own house: they could watch all the shows they wanted, sleep until midday and go to bed at 5 am if they so decided, and so on. They were also allowed to curse, major influence of their male cousin, as long as there wasn’t an adult around.

  
Basically, that house was their little heaven. Even though they just stayed there for two weeks max, it was always the best weeks of their lives. Well, at least for Beatrice.

  
It was a really cold night. All of them were used to sudden cold days, considering their country’s weather, but because their aunt’s house was more towards the country side, contrasting with their house, that was close to a river, the drops in temperature between day and night were, and still are, way more drastic. Especially on that night.

  
Maybe it was because it was so cold, or maybe because there weren’t enough blankets to shove into five different beds, Jessie can't really remember, she and her cousin had to share one. They both still didn’t feel tired, despite it being 1 am already. Her aunt was silently sleeping down the hall in her bedroom, with the door closed, and Beatrice was snoring loudly right across the room. Poor thing, you couldn’t really blame her. She’s two, almost three years younger than Jessie, so she was weaker when it came to staying up past 10 am.

  
Anyways, Jessie and her cousin were mindless staring at the ceiling, talking about everything and anything as soon as it popped in their head. They were kids, she was thirteen and he was fourteen. That’s just what kids do. Maybe because of their small age gap, Jessie and P (let’s call him that for the sake of the narrative) were really close. They didn’t mind sharing blankets and cuddling, despite just trying to do that for the first time on that night.

If this was an old romance, all of that would be considered omens. If I need to clarify that part for you, I’ll list every single one of them:

  * They are cousins, 
  * They were one year old apart from one another,
  * They were closer to each other than anyone else on that god forsaken family,
  * They were sharing a blanket and cuddling, voluntarily and consensually.



If you want to get into specifics, the room was really dark, and the only light they could see was the red numbers on P’s alarm clock. Red is never a good colour in any story you read out there, and it certainly wasn’t a good one in this one either. Another really bad omen was also the fact that their real names were the mirrored version of the other, as in Jessie’s name was the feminine take on P’s name, and vice-versa.

  
For as long as I want to deny this fact, this story is being told specifically because of the tragedy that occurred that night, so maybe I should just cut to main interest. Oh, I feel sick recalling that time…

  
So, back to Jessie and P’s story. They were in P’s bed (another omen, now that I think about it), just casually cuddling. Until they weren’t cuddling anymore. Jessie’s mind got really foggy on that moment, so bare with me as I try to describe what happened.

  
P turned around, trying to get a more comfortable position under that tiny blanket, and as he did so, his arm fell across Jessie’s chest. At first, the girl freaked out. The way P was pressed against her back and the feeling of his hand right over one of her small breasts made her panic, at a time when she didn’t even know the meaning of that word.

However, she stayed still, just hoping that P would notice what he was doing, what the girl thought, innocently. As an answer to her prayers, he flinched and took his hand away, opening his mouth to apologize, but Jessie’s body was really sensitive in her state of panic, and she whined before she could stop herself. Either because of the lost of his touch or because he moved the blanket so she stood in the middle of his freezing room without warmth, she can’t tell, to this day.  
P stayed frozen for a moment, looking at Jessie in the middle of the darkness, and when she moved, with the intention of getting out of his bed and just pretend it never happened, P grabbed her shoulder and turned her around, making her lay on her back. The girl, mostly confused by this point, looked at his shining eyes in the dark, opening her mouth to ask what he was doing, when she felt his hand against her breast again.

  
The world stopped at that moment. She didn’t know what was happening, and was too sacred to ask. P was stronger than her, and in that moment, he had moved and sat on top of her hips, erasing any plans of her possible escape. He kept silent, she couldn’t breathe. As she gasped for air, her mind screaming at her to do something, her faith was sealed. P must have interpreted that as a good type of gasp, the one you do when you’re in pleasure, and continued to touch her, bringing his other hand up to cup both of her boobs and massage them.

  
It all became too cloudy after that moment. Jessie just remembers opening her eyes, feeling something warm and sticky on her hand and P hovering above her. His pants were soft and quiet, his breath hit her face and heated up the tears that were forming at the corner of her eyes. She felt hot and cold at the same time, realizing that her pajama had disappear and that she stood naked, exposed under him. Softly, weirdly so, P reached his hands up and caressed her face, kissing her cheek lightly, still tired from what they did.

  
\- Thank you – Jessie recalled him saying in between breaths. – Go wash your hands now, before mama caughts you.

  
Too apathetic to say anything, she nodded. Her legs were wobbly as she got up to the bed, Jessie would have fallen for sure if P didn’t grab her arm. Even after everything was over, he helped her somehow, easing her onto her pajamas and rubbing her back, smilling wide at her in that dark room.

  
Beatrice was still snoring as Jessie made her way to the closest bathroom, the one that was farther away from her aunt’s room. She washed her hand and managed to sit on the toilet, peeing in what felt like a really weird way. It didn’t sting or tickled, or any other adjective you want to attach to that. It felt like the liquids were coming out of two different places, and leaving her weirdly empty. Shrugging, she walked back to the room and lay down on her bed. The numb girl didn’t want to speak, her throat felt sore for some reason, so she didn’t tell P good night. As a matter of fact, she didn’t sleep at all, going back to watching the ceiling mindlessly as the hours passed, witnessing the room getting brighter and brighter as the sun rise.

  
After a while, she heard birds chirping outside and decided to look at P’s alarm clock. 10 am, the red glowy numbers told her, and she heavily sighed. Silently she got up and walked to the living room, turning the tv to one of the cartoons channels and just letting the funny sounds and the crashes fill her mind until her sister joined her.

  
Even if Jessie tried, she couldn’t feel anything.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry


End file.
